My Spouse Isn't Trying Very Hard To Fix Our Marriage After His Affair

Affair

What to do if he isn't ready to fix the marriage.

Okay, you've decided to reenter the relationship ring and start round two.  AND he doesn't show up.  You feel humiliated, confused, and enraged.

Here are 3 nuggets of insight that'll help you understand where the hell his head is.

Nugget #1:  Understand that you're both traumatized.  Even though your sense of self is literally shattered, and you feel like he has NO right to be sad, the truth is, he's devastated.

He has to face the mass destruction that his choices created, look in the mirror, and know that he crossed his moral boundaries.  

He also (and this is extremely painful to hear) has to say good-bye to something that provided him with what he needed.  Whether that was to feel appreciated or maybe carefree again, he got his needs met (and as awful as this sounds) he has to grieve the loss of the other woman and the way that she made him feel.

Nugget #2:  Why did he stray?  You've already asked him this 10,000 times.  But depending on the reason he may need to see change to want to try.  

What I mean, is if he felt like you were too busy for him and the schedule hasn't changed, that's a problem.  On the other hand if you have discussed the reason and corrected the concern and he's still not engaged, my guess is that he's grieving.

This can take months depending on how much support he has.  If you're seeing a couples therapist, he needs to have air time to focus on his pain or some individual sessions to do so.  That'll speed up the process.

Nugget #3:  What are the expectations?  When faced with a threat that could potentially tare down our whole world, we'll frantically do anything and everything to bury the risk good and deep.  But you can't do that with this.  The pressure of trying to make the intrusive thoughts, nightmares, and panic attacks subside can put more pressure on the marriage and end up doing more damage.  

A good book to read in order for your to check your expectations, After the Affair.  I also suggest individual counseling to work on your own healing.

marriage failed

Self-Care

There isn't one person that knows the amount of pain that you're in, except for those that have unfortunately been there themselves.  You need to go to great lengths and take care of yourself.  Because the worst thing that can happen is to focus too much on healing the relationship and forgetting about yourself.  What will happen is once you do arrive at the other side of this horrific nightmare all the anger, rage, and resentment will boil up and tare down what you and your spouse rebuilt.

Jessica is the author of Back 2 Love and How to Start a Mental Health Private Practice.  She owns practice in New Prague, Minnesota where she lives with her husband, two kids, and two dogs.